Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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