I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
