He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
