shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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