the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
