I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
