Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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