His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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