never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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