So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
