Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
