I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
