if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You are a genius and a whore.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
