My liver just broke up with me...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
