2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
