I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
