Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
where are my eyebrows?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
