I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize