Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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