if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
