My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She even gives head with a lisp.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
