I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
