My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think my nap took me to another dimension
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
