When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
