i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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