remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
