i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
