i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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