Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
