I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
