Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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