Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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