he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
