she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
