fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
