I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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