just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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