he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
