You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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