The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
