May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
