It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
