My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
