smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
