I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
