Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A+ Viking dick
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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