if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
