a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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