Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
