Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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