dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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