Yo dont text me then not text me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
