sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
