Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
