just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
