Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
