So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
